by Desiree Leigh, Wake Up to Live
During my darkest days, sometime ago in the past, I became the observer. One day standing in the middle of my kitchen, I moved out of my body looking down over top of myself. It was after I threw a pyrex dish in rage causing a huge hole in the drywall. I also realized, at that time, I almost killed someone; just a few inches away from his head, the dish flew. As an observer, I viewed the life I was living. Why was I behaving in such self-defeating ways? I knew I didn't want to be alive in this world if I continued to live the way I was. I also knew that it wasn't about 'them' anymore - them being the men in my life. It was about me and why I was attracting them. Memories of sexual, physical and verbal abuse, and a two sexual assaults (at the age of 12 and 16) haunted me. Domestic violence and later drugs and alcohol were a part of my behavior. Shame, guilt, disgust, and hate was who I was.
Cognitive-behavioral change was the road I took to heal my life. I didn't have to go to the past, and, I surely didn't want to at the time. It worked to a degree. However, after about two years or so of persistent effort, I still felt this haze of darkness: this ache in my gut that wouldn't go away. I prayed and prayed with many tears asking what I needed to do next to feel joy and self-worth. I was asking for the real stuff, not what I was putting on to wear everyday. Not the mask or superficial joy I was being taught. I pleaded daily to be shown the way; how to deeply heal the empty pit in my gut. How to heal the haunting memories of the past.
Over time, I was shown. I was open completely to what ever entered my life. I did the work because I believed that my asking was unfolding in front of me, and either I could use it or leave it. Leaving it would have meant that I was going against my asking - not taking the opportunities that I requested. I chose to use all of what came forth. Every sign post. Not knowing how it was going to work out in the end, I still continued with dedication and love to the one honoring my asking.
To heal the worthlessness inside of you, it takes more than cognitive-behavioral change. It takes going to the source. For real joy to surface from deep within, for love of self to resonate, separation must be corrected where it was made.
but it is necessary to seek for what is false...
That is why atonement centers on the past,
which is the source of separation,
and where it must be undone.
For separation must be corrected
where it was made."
[A Course In Miracles]