Are You Worth the Time?

To gain self-awareness about anything in general, it takes time.

Now think about this for a moment, if you wish. If you haven't done the work of healing - reflecting on patterns that don't serve you, or really allowing your shadow side to surface to question if it's actually positively serving your best interests - then you're wasting your time in life. 

I know this may sound harsh but sometimes thoughts and emotions need to be stirred up to see other perspectives.

Our time is limited on this planet called Earth. If you are having difficulties in life with obsessive thoughts, erratic emotions, addictive behaviours, relationships, and incessantly blaming everyone else, whether for past behaviours or injustices, or constantly blaming and judging yourself harshly, I can tell you that there is internal work to be done.

In all honesty, I believe that our whole lot in life is to heal - to heal this lifetime and the lifetime of our ancestors. 

I have been on the healing journey for decades. At one time in the far past, I thought I had an end goal: that all the pain, grief, anger, resentment, and sadness, for example, would just leave me, and I would be this "new" person. This was true to some degree, but its not complete. I thought I would be on this new found path where "nothing would bother me." I would be free from all these low vibrational energies and somehow, I would have all wonderful dreamy experiences. Reviewing my past belief system, it looks as though I was in complete denial, but I think it was mostly plain old ignorance (which simply means, having a lack of knowledge or information. Remember that ignorance is different from stupidity.)

What I have come to learn over the years of healing and learning to manage my emotions and obsessive thoughts is that I am now much more equipped than ever before by way of utilizing the many skills I learned to manage myself (e.g., mental and emotional regulation) and to change my emotional and mental state. Over the course of many years, with continued practice, I have learned to be more calm and at peace internally when things or events outside of myself seem to be falling apart.

While utilizing many healing modalities, I've transmuted much heavy and dark energy acquired from the developmental trauma and teen violence and assaults (such as the energies of shame, guilt, betrayal, anger, and depression). I was also able to confront the dark parasitic energies that lived on and near me. Over the years, I've made decisions to improve my state, and I have in many ways, but it wasn't until I did some deep work with the teachings of Ramtha and Star Magic Healing when I started to look within with integrity and honesty. 

Have you ever said to yourself, "what they don't know won't hurt them" or "a little white lie doesn't mean anything" or "it's better not to say anything because I don't want to hurt anyone." I started looking at this way of thinking as not being my true Self. Who am I actually trying to save when I say these things? This is a distorted way of thinking. It has nothing to do with saving anyone. Clearly, it is a lie, and when you lie, you are bringing on low vibrational and dark frequencies. And, most important, you are lying to yourself. 

Living in your truth is about authenticity and transparency and nothing less than that. Genuine and wholesome relationships are about truth and honesty. If you have to lie or hide anything about yourself or what you do, there is a problem in the relationship, and it will never be healthy.

I made many decisions to be a better person over the years, and once again I upleveled what a better person should look like - one filled with love, authenticity, genuineness, and truthfulness no matter what. I chose to be conscious of my behaviours and my emotions. And with that, came a lot of work to raise awareness. Just a side note: an all encompassing awareness does not occur with some revelation at one point in time; it is a constant everlasting ever-upgrading journey. 

Anyway, healing did not only include my addictions or rattling off my mouth or judging others and self with self-righteousness. I started looking at behaviours that even I tried to hide from myself. You know the one's that make your heart pitter-patter because you know you're doing something that is not in alignment with who you are. For me, it was the subtle manipulations to get my way or deceive others. This was one of the shadows that I didn't want to admit to myself. How could I? So, instead of healing it, I would justify using the victimhood mentality, like "They deserved it." 

During the healing journey, though, I realized this was a behaviour I picked up when I was trying to survive in a home full of chronic abuse. It was a behaviour that kept me alive! I was vindictive, indignant, aloof, and manipulative. These traits served me well. They got me off the streets and into a home when I was thirteen. I was protected. However, these behaviours that served me well as a young child and teen became behaviors that I carried into my adult life. Now it was time to work through them.

I do no agree with masking problems and deep pain with positivity by telling myself everything is fine with a façade of happiness if I haven't done the deep inner work. Masking is choosing to stay in denial and ignoring feelings that need to be transmuted. 

Growing up with chronic trauma, children learn to live in whatever state works for them which also includes dissociation - another survival mechanism that protects them from going "mad" (or losing their mind). However, if we haven't sorted out these behaviours with a trusted loved one (or professional), we carry these behaviours into adulthood affecting all of our relationships. 

This is not something to feel bad about and judge yourself for. I've heard many clients say that "they should've known better." Society has deliberately conditioned us to shame ourselves. Have you ever had a judge, teacher, or law enforcement officers shame you? The last ticket I received, the officer stated that his child could do and knows better than me. Is this not shaming? It sure is! Shaming keeps you in a state of obedience and people-pleasing. I had family members in the past say that I was childish and dramatic because I was confronting someone concerning their disrespectful behaviour. Another form of shaming. Many parents shame their children without even knowing it, because that's the way they've been taught to raise their children by their parents who knew no better.

The point of the matter is that when you take the time to heal from chronic abuse and developmental trauma, you learn to increase your self-worth. Self-worth is a very different self-concept from self-esteem, which is typically used incorrectly on the internet and many posts. 

Self-worth is a deep "knowing" that you are valued; that you are worthy of someone's love and attention; that you are deserving of happiness, health, wealth, and love irrespective of the disappointments and difficulties you face. That by being you, a human being born onto this planet, is enough! When one feels unworthy or worthless, one operates from a place of, "I'm not significant or valuable" or "I'm undeserving of love and attention." Self-worth is an internal state of being that comes from self-love, self-understanding, and self-acceptance."

Self-worth is a massive self-concept that rises up from within when you begin to let go of the baggage and heal yourself, but it takes time to move through things. Our time is limited here on this planet. Leave a legacy that will inspire your children to heal. How beautiful is that.

Until we meet again.

Much love,

Desiree